My phone finally reached that inevitable point—1TB overflowing with images, videos, emails, messages, notes… an archive of digital memory. The glitches and malfunctions were a signal that it was time to sift through and reconsider what deserved to be saved. The notes became my first target.
As I scrolled back by year, beginning with 2017, I was struck by the fragments of myself preserved there—ideas, fleeting thoughts, lists, and confessions I’d almost forgotten. Amid the clutter, I uncovered pieces of unexpected gold, reflections I once jotted down in the spaces between living.
In the spirit of Susan Sontag’s journals, where she wove herself as both subject and muse, I offer these entries as raw glimpses into that year. Below are unpublished thoughts, poems, anecdotes, and stories from a younger version of me, unearthed after years of quiet digital dormancy. I hope they resonate and perhaps offer a piece of meaning in the spaces between your own moments.
February 14, 2017
To all of the men who crack open the hearts of unsuspecting women who they have no intention of loving: stop blaming us for being unable to douse the wild fires you created. You have to stop playing with volcanos if you cannot handle the eruptions.
February 16, 2017
I remember reading Women's Wear Daily as teenager. I remember thinking it was the holy grail of New York Fashion Week. I remember wanting to be a buyer & to go to MAGIC. This year myself and 5 other bloggers were chosen by WWD to attend WWD MAGIC. We will be speaking on panels & meeting with brands, buyers, and WWD editors to discuss trends, social media, digital marketing and more. This is a huge deal for me. 18 year old Victoria would have never thought in a thousand lifetimes that WWD would be booking flights and putting me up in fancy hotel rooms. This is what catching dreams looks like. This is what never ever giving up looks like. This is what being true to who you are looks like. My life is a dream that i've worked hard for.
April 15, 2017
I deserve someone who is unafraid to share the same truth with themselves, me, and the world. Why lie to one to save the other?
April 15, 2017
I want the kind of love that wants me. That's assertive. That I don't have to feel uncomfortable around. I want the kind of love that makes me feel cared for. That is reassuring. I want the kind of love that does not waiver in the presence of others. I deserve that kind of love. I give that kind of love. I would like reciprocity, without having to ask for it.....or demand it.
I saw a couple today at a party. They were in love. They were not afraid to show or tell the world (or each other) how they felt. It was beautiful to witness that. It made me realize that I don't have that.
Why do we stay in things that make us uncomfortable? Is it because we don't think we can find better? Is it because we are holding onto hope that our partners will change?
I don't have the answers. I don't think I ever will. I know what I deserve.
April 15, 2017
Love is like the ocean— the tide may rise and fall with the seasons, but it is forever present. Forever powerful.
You deserve a love that remains forever present and forever powerful through all seasons.
—unwavering love.
April 15, 2017
Your heart will hurt if you allow your mind to settle with people who only fulfill temporary desires.
April 16, 2017
This morning I woke up and felt new. I meditated outside. It felt great to sit alone in nature and just vibe. The only sounds were running water, birds talking, and owls singing. I felt and saw energy during my meditation. In the midst of it I felt high— but I haven't done any drugs. I almost felt like I was outside of myself.
I saw the colors lime green/yellow and orange. Throughout the high feeling I kept seeing magenta. Is it possible to see and experience your own aura? (Runs to google).
April 20, 2017
God advances us, but he advances us by giving us favor with his people.
April 26, 2017
Confidence can be a war— our minds the battlefield. Over and over again I've had to remind myself that there is beauty in all of my flaws. I am perfectly imperfect.
April 27, 2017 (notes for a conversation to be had with my lover)
1- I take full responsibility for any negativity I brought into our relationship.
2- I am no longer afraid of being abandoned. The way I reacted yesterday was a defense mechanism. I perceived that you were frustrated and did not want to be bothered with me, so I was trying to get everything from you. This way, when you wanted to talk you would reach out to me. I wouldn't have to keep reaching out to you for xyz.
3- this is not me blaming you. Based on my perception, certain things would trigger an energy shift in you which would feel negative to me. My defense mechanisms would flare up and it caused a circle of destruction.
4- I care about you. I love you. I honestly think we have seen just how great we really can be together when both of us operate out of love and respect. I would love to get back to that one day.
April 29, 2017
Be with someone who will choose you over and over again. Be with someone who will choose you because of who you are.
July 16, 2017 (excerpt and the start of a post in y blog series: Sunday Secrets)
Sunday Secrets: Boundaries
The word of the week is "boundaries". It's a word I've seen thrown around, a concept I'm familiar with but never really adopted...until now.
Most of my life I've been the "nice" girl. I've allowed people to take advantage of my nonchalant nature, and never actively carved out boundaries. In relationships, confrontations, and situations I am normally the one to back down (or out) of conflict first... if I hadn't already successfully avoided it altogether.
But not anymore. With my letting go and moving on process came a transition from passive to "you got me fucked up".
July 21, 2017
What if I was made for you? What if you were made for me? What if this is it? What if I lean in? What if….
July 30, 2017
How is it that the whole world can tell I don't love myself?
July 31, 2017
There are billions of people in the world. Billions. Let that sink in.
September 3, 2017 (script for this YouTube video)
Trying to define beauty is like trying to put the ocean in a box. You can't, because it's simply too vast.
Everyday we are bombarded with images of what we are aupppsed to look like. Your breasts should be bigger, drink this to make your waist smaller, do squats for a bigger butt. But none of that defines womanhood. None of that defines you.
I was created a masterpiece. My arms made to embrace the people I love. My legs made to dance across the earth while my feet lead the way. My lips made to kiss away sadness, my tongue made to taste the finest of things, my fingers were made to hold a pen so that I can touch even the people I cannot touch.
every freckle, hair, roll, scar, birthmark, pimple, wrinkle, tattoo, crooked tooth, and flaw are the stars that make you a constellation. to hate them is to hate your own brilliance.
put down the phone and pick up the mirror. Start looking at what real beauty is. Start looking at you. Really....looking.....at you.
October 27, 2017
In July, I took a trip by myself to Havana. I wanted to be closer to my ancestors. I had not had a boyfriend in a long time, I did not want one. But somehow....you found me.
You touched my arm and butterflies danced in my stomach as you asked “Can you hear me?”
October 27, 2017
Let me tell you who I am. i am sunshine. I am beautiful with a heart of gold. I love unconditionally. Sometimes I love other people more than I love myself. I am happiness, ambition, and hard work. I am just a woman...trying to figure out life and make the people I love happy along the way. I am a woman without much money, but with more love than the ocean has water.
November 6, 2017 (a wordy exchange with a man who would become my partner, and eventually grow to hate me)
Can i play with your nipples
No. That’s my biggest turn on. And now isn’t the place or time
We will be quiet
I can’t kiss you. I want to. But i can’t. I’m on this journey. I made a vow to myself. 1 year: no sex, no kissing, no dates. I’m on month 6.
Wow
Month 6? I hear u. I’m glad we had the chance to meet this weekend.come look for me at the end. I want to be first in line to get to know you better
You can get to know me without being physically intimate with me.
I guess that’s the term I’ve used. I would like to... tmi...I kinda feel as though if We don’t then you may forget me but that is a risk I’m willing to take...Even though I REALLY want to play with your right nipple...
I won’t forget you. I’m used to men trying to fuck me. I’m not used to anyone willing to actually wait.
I’m not use to women waiting and coming back either. Something new for us both
...but about that nipple tho
I’m not leaving. We are just going to build a friendship.
Ha. Leave it alone. You’re just playing with fire
November 7, 2017
I’m coming back to myself
What is it that you want people to learn from you, see in you, and say about you?
November 12, 2017
Him- If you look too expensive, you’re probably too expensive for me to maintain.
Me- so i look cheap?
Him- no, you just look more manageable
November 13, 2017
This year I don’t want to be new, i want to be REnewed— an upgraded version of myself. I want my natural beauty to radiate from the inside out. Choosing all natural products will not only nourish my body but also my spirit, because when you look good you feel good. I challenge you to take more makeup off and put more of you on. Make 2018 the year of you...the real you.
November 14, 2017
You even walk like poetry.
November 14, 2017
This is the story of how I turned $300 into an empire.
November 14, 2017
How have I allowed you to become so embedded in me that I don't know how to get you out without tearing myself in half?
November 14, 2017
I saw love in you the instant our eyes met. Each moment we spent became a stanza in the most beautiful poem I had ever witnessed. My heart became a harp and you pulled on her strings to make her sing your song. I let you make music in me.
You painted pictures of love in colors I had never seen: transparency, friendship, consistency. Our love became a rainbow.
Rainbows are born of storms and sunshine. You are the storm. I am the sunshine.
The day I realized I was in love with a rolling stone.
Is there an exit route for uncertainty?
Has it been wedged somewhere between the distance and disrespect you've forced upon me? Or is that the flotation device that is supposed to keep my head above water until someone really comes to save me?
By accepting this seat Did I voluntarily sign up to save you...or myself... in case of an emergency?
You seem to have brought more baggage than can comfortably fit here.
You will need to check that shit if you're planning to stay.
I understand you love the free drinks and peanuts we supply— but
No sir, you may not leave the seat you assigned yourself in the midst of our turbulence.
We are cruising at an altitude of 20,000 feet, where do you even think you can go?
When you boarded this plane you made a decision to stay seated until we reach our final destination.. because when you booked this flight you felt like the minimal discomfort you may experience would actually be well worth it.
As the flight goes on I realize you are not a leisurely passenger. You are a terrorist. and before I let you destroy me, yourself, or us…I will.
November 17, 2017
I have never been the “sexy” girl. I don’t ooze sex appeal, I shy away from anything too revealing, and the idea of doing s striptease for a man instantly gives me anxiety. However, lately I’ve been toying with the idea of sexuality and sexiness. What does it really mean to be sexy? What do men find sexy? And how can awkward me incorporate some sexy in my life? Below are 5 things I’ve done to be sexier in my everyday life.
1- wear your lingerie out of the house.
I know i know, it’s a little risqué, but you’ll feel great. I wore this Orchids & Spice bodysuit under a blazer and it instantly made me feel sexier than a regular tank would have.
2- buy better underwear.
Don’t you just feel like a feme fatale when you walk around in sexy skivvies?
3- Don’t compare Your sexy to someone else’s.
We are all unique, and that goes for sex appeal too. How we express it and how we view it are all based on our personal preferences. So just because your sexy doesn’t look or feel like mine, doesn’t mean it’s absent.
4- Self care.
I know everyone is so tired of hearing this phrase... but it really is the beginning to a beautiful relationship with yourself. Take the time to take care of you: get a facial, get a wax, do your brows, take s bath and oil yourself up. You deserve it— and I guarantee you’ll feel super sexy once everything has been tended to.
5- Throw on some confidence. Nobody will believe in your sexiness if you don’t believe in it.
December 23, 2017 (this may have been an excerpt from an episode of SATC, I didn’t put quotes, so I’m not certain)
The toothbrush isn’t about the toothbrush. It’s about the normalization.
A drawer.
Moving in.
Toothbrush is a slippery slope.
December 24, 2017
I wrote this to you. Not knowing if i would ever send it or not. Some of its rambling. Most of it is. I’ll feel some kind of closure, whether you read it or not. I needed to say these things.
The end of the year is next week, and for many people this means the start of a new chapter. I’ve had many new chapters in 2017, but I’ve decided to finally close a few. I started by clearing my phone of old images. I had deleted most of the ones that had any traces of you— but i held onto this one. I hadn’t scrolled this far back in my phone in quite some time. It feels traumatic to face such things.
I think about you. I don’t think about other men I’ve been involved with, but....I think about you. I’m almost embarrassed to even tell you this— but it’s the truth. I wonder why you left the way you did. And how. But mostly I’m hurt because you were my friend and so much life has happened, unhappened, and I’m planning to make happen and.... you would get it. Out of the millions of people on the planet...i wanted so bad to still be able to share my life with you. But you’re gone. It’s like you died and I was forced to grieve a living ghost.
The week we stopped talking I cried so much my eye muscles hurt. I didn’t even know that was possible. I’ve had PTSD— an utter fear of letting anyone close to me because I’m afraid they will just disappear too.
I dated someone after you. It was awful. It was me trying to fill a void that you left and all it did was cause more pain.
I stopped dating after that. I stopped doing anything with any man. And it’s been peaceful. Really peaceful. Except for the nights that my Apple Music is on random and it plays a song I put on that record for you. It sends me into a whirlwind of memories that I would have liked to of forgotten by now....like I’m sure you have.
I deleted your number so that even when i wanted to reach out to you...i couldn’t. I changed mine a few months ago because it was time.
Sometime last November i plugged your birthday into my google calendar so i wouldn’t forget it. (I honestly didn’t forget it anyway). I sent an email when the reminder went off. I was shocked that you replied.
I hope you are well. I hope you’re fucking amazing. I wish you the stars if that’s what you’re aiming for. Maybe one day we will be friends, or at least not be strangers anymore.
I’m leaving this here. These feelings. These words. Those memories. I’m leaving it all here in this email, but more importantly in 2017.
Love,
Victoria