A gathering must occur…. of my sanity. There are days I want to be heard, and days where I need nothing more than to be left completely alone. This makes it difficult to live, or even be in relationship, with people.
I think I have been trying to build a home inside of other people, all the while abandoning myself. And, I’ve been doing it all uninvited. What life am I chasing, and is it even the one God is handing me?
I’ve been begging to be a writer, but I am paralyzed by the fear of being seen. No, my vanity craves the validation. Like an addict, a dose of someone else’s praises is enough to keep me writing more. It is not the visibility that I find frightening. I am actually afraid of being judged, misunderstood, and emotionally mishandled. How then, do we evict fear from the home it’s made deep within us? Like a parasite, just feeding on our insecurities. Perhaps, bit by bit. It’s an unrelenting process, that much I know. Painstaking. A self imposed challenge I am willing to accept because I know the fruits of this emotional labor will be plenty, and sweet as fuck.
Dress: Araks
Scarf: Free People
Shoes: Dolce Vita
Bag: Thrifted
Jewelry: Vintage
felt.
Feeling very seen through your words, Vic. I relate most deeply to the juxtaposition of wanting to be around people/seen and wanting, or rather needing, to be left alone. It’s such a dance existing within these two realities.